I love my father. I love my brother. I value the men in my life — the relatives, sports coaches, parents of friends, and good teachers — and my connections with them mostly bring meaning and happiness to my life. But I am always forgiving them.
I forgive my father for glaring at me when I interrupt his view of the game or his conversation with my brother. For when the two of them team up and talk down to me like I am stupid and an inconvenience as they discuss or work on things I may be unfamiliar with, like cars or the yard. I forgive him for explaining to me how Jennifer Lopez was demeaning herself during her athletic pole performance in her Super Bowl show, and for constantly trying to make my mother feel guilty for getting a job and being away from home for once in her life.
I forgive my brother for never knowing or caring enough to learn how to properly complete the tasks around the house my mother asks him to, or how to do anything that is not half-assed. I forgive him for his careless shrugs and the time I spend putting in the effort he forgets to.
I forgive our family friend when he makes comments about how girls my age dress at school, glancing at me as if he expects me to chime in and agree with him because I am smart and respectable and not a ditz begging for attention like those other girls.
Gritting my teeth, I forgive my grandfather when he tells my grandmother to make him a sandwich or to stop drinking as she laughs with my aunts at the dinner table. When my grandmother recounts, nervously laughing, how he does not let her spend much money outside of groceries or how he flirts with waitresses in front of her, I forgive him even as I explode with rage.
Because how else am I supposed to function? Do I call them out every time they say or do something disrespectful or ignorant, even after I have asked them not to countless times before? Do I give up on our relationship and constantly give my father the cold shoulder? Do I allow these men in my life to cast me as the obnoxious, social-justice-warrior Debbie Downer for simply requesting that they be more considerate of women's perspectives, experiences, and wellbeing?
I am tired of being perceived as the one to break the peace if I speak up when the man who made a hurtful comment was the one to break it in the first place. I am tired of asking men to respect me and to be cognizant of how their actions are harmful in the context of the oppression women face. I am tired of the topics of sexism and misogyny themselves being discussed so casually and carelessly — joked about even — when the extremes of the behaviors feminists ridicule are things like domestic abuse, sexual assault, murder, unemployment/wage gaps, and family dynamics that never allow women to follow their dreams or be their own people.
What I am asking society today is to be more receptive to women’s issues and treat them with the seriousness they deserve. At the highest of my hopes, I wish more men would choose to make this world easier for women by being active in their allyship, and knowing they will never fully understand the context and complexity of misogyny and female oppression from the perspective of those suffering it. Thus, they would work on being supportive and eliminating certain harmful behaviors as they identify them, day-to-day. At the very least, I wish men would stop aggressively denying and harassing us when we ask for respect and equality or treating our oppression like a fun mental exercise for them to weigh in and debate on. I cannot count the number of days that have been ruined for me upon seeing men’s reactions to feminist posts and articles after a woman has been assaulted or killed.
When horrible, tragic, violent things happen to us, and when we make the simplest, most reasonable of requests for decency, there is a scary number of men that come back in full force with hateful speech, condescending opinion articles, accusations of male discrimination, and cries of not all men or what about assault against males.
Thus, my request is for men to start giving misogyny and sexism the weight and seriousness they require, and to know when it is not their place to chime in with an inappropriate remark or irrelevant opinion on a heavy matter. Certain comments and jokes may seem harmless, but all the red flags they raise and the disrespectful implications they possess act as little reminders to us of our oppression and are products of the same system that bestows it upon us. As for men's opinions on women's issues, they are never going to be as complete or honest in their insight as those of the people facing the problems, and it is arrogant and wrong of men who try to speak over women to do so.
Many of this I do not yet feel comfortable saying to the men in my life. Most of them do try to be good allies, or at least think they are trying, but as I have previously highlighted they all have their shortcomings. I cannot help the bitterness I feel towards them as I remember the things they have done and said. It will always be there, creeping up on the love I have for them. Above all, I just wish they would try a little more. Listen a little more. Make it so that I do not have to speak up to them, my voice shaking and heart beating fast as I am forced to explain things to them I have no desire to. My hope is that maybe this letter will help eliminate that in a few women's lives if a man they know reads this and decides to take on a more active role as an ally to them. Someday I would like to have relationships with my male family members that are not so tainted by the grudges I feel I need to hold onto to not betray myself or my values as I give them my temporary forgiveness.
I think this project and the sharing of all of our perspectives is an important step toward understanding each other and I hope that as we keep making progress we can have better relationships with the people we share our lives with.
-Anonymous
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