Be YOU - don't change because of who’s around

Dear Youth of Today,

I’m sure a lot of youth would expect that I have no idea what they’re going through these days because I’m now old and so far past high school that I can’t relate. Truth is, even though the world is a lot different, some things remain the same: figuring out who you are is no easy task, even more so when you’re constantly trying to fit into a box that was not made for you or letting others tell you who to be.

I tried fitting into all the boxes. I wanted to be popular. Pretty. Smart. Witty. And to have all the things the rich kids at my school did. But at the same time, I wanted to stand out and be appreciated for what I worked hard for and earned rather than what was gifted to me. Those two desires often conflicted with each other which made it difficult for me to figure out where I fit in this simplified categorization I believed the world was defined by. While on one hand, I wanted to see seem like I had it all together and that people should totally love me and want to be me, I also wanted to be appreciated for being original, gritty and pretty-well-put-together-if-you-really-knew-what-I’ve-been-through.

I changed a lot throughout middle and high school, trying to become the best compilation of all the things around me I saw as sought-after or desirable by others. But so many of those pieces just weren’t me. When I couldn't get them to fit, I thought it was something wrong with me, but instead it was just me trying to fit into a box I wasn’t designed for. Eventually, I discovered that it worked better if I took qualities I found to be desirable in others and made them my own, creating a concoction of all of the things I admired about others but adding my own spin to them. I was able to test-drive ideas sparked by others to see if it felt right, or to ditch it say “thank you - next”. Some qualities I couldn’t pull off for sure - Fashionable. Sweet. Timid. Rule-breaker….sometimes it was hard to admit those things just weren’t me because I wanted to be described that way so badly. But some started to stick and I started to capture who I really was.

Things started to fall into place for me when I realized the core traits that defined me as a person regardless of my environment. If I steadily relied on those, I discovered that they guided me toward a greater sense of self, even when temptation and influence threatened to steer me elsewhere. To this day, I still notice new quirks or qualities about myself - some that are new, and some that have been there the whole time but haven’t been highlighted. I have no shame in those qualities because I see that they have value in making me who I am. 16-year-old me would have tried to smother some of them, thinking I was the only one who had that freakish quality and that it would make me unappealing to others. Type-A. Rigid. Anxious. Slightly ADHD with a touch of OCD. Nerdy. Self-conscious. The truth is, I have found so much peace in being that version of myself whenever, wherever. No longer trying to change my approach because of who’s around. The actuality of “what you see is what you get”.

The times I can remember having regret, getting in a bad spot or disappointing people I cared about all have one thing in common: I wasn’t acting like myself. I didn’t listen to the voice in my head or the pit in my gut when making those decisions. It’s hard, though, to feel like you’re really “found” yourself if you didn’t get lost sometimes along the way. The same way that people say you can’t appreciate the sun without experiencing the rain, you can’t fully know what qualities, characteristics or traits are really you unless you’ve tried lots of them on.

So pay attention, on your journey, to the things you appreciate about those in your life, and aim to be a shade of that, but your own shade. Don’t look around so much at what others are doing or saying unless it’s to make yourself a better version of yourself. Check out what everyone is wearing to get inspired, not discouraged. Pay attention to qualities you admire in others and try to incorporate them, not copy them.

I don’t want to try fitting in for the rest of my life; it’s exhausting, and you never feel “settled”. I know there are people who don’t get me, don’t like me...and the truth is that’s ok. My energy is better focused on the people who do and who make me keep wanting to know myself more.