Dear Society,
I have been swimming my whole life. Ever since I was six. At the time I joined, I didn’t even know what body image was. I didn’t pay attention to what others looked like. I was focused on going to practice and doing what my coach told me. At races, I would just focus on swimming fast.
As the years went by, I started to notice others' appearances more. I would look at my friends and pick out all the differences between our bodies. Their legs weren't as skinny as mine. They were taller than me. It didn’t bother me much except they were getting faster. I didn’t wonder if there was a connection at the time. I put in the work and, for me, that was all that mattered.
It was around the time I was entering middle school when people started to point out things. I had been swimming for multiple years by then, and my body was changing. Being in a suit, everyone saw everything. I couldn’t hide my legs or my broader shoulders. I would start to notice judgmental looks. Some of my friends that weren’t involved in sports would tell me how they wished they were as skinny as me or that it was abnormal how small I was. What they may have meant to be a compliment only made me doubt myself. People assumed I didn’t eat, but I did. I ate to fuel my body and my doctor told me I was very healthy.
I had experienced a couple of conversations where people have doubted my abilities, but nothing quite hit like the one with my coach. You would always hear her cheering you on, pushing you to run faster. She believed in all of us. But the second I told her that I was also swimming during the cross country season, everything changed. You could see her face change, disappointment and a sort of mocking face set in. “But you can’t do that. You're too skinny to swim AND run!” Now I know that might not sound like much, but for someone who had always thought herself capable, or never had a coach comment on her body, it was like a slap to the face.
It hurt. She was supposed to support me and push me. Yet, here she was telling me I wasn’t “the right” shape for an athlete. Instead of letting it bring me down too much, I took it as a challenge. I actually made varsity and earned my spot as a top athlete on the team. But it also made me aware of something that I had never really focused on or had given much thought to. It gave me a reason to question my appearance and my abilities. I started to look in the mirror and stare at my body. My legs were so skinny, they had no visible muscle. My arms were like sticks. Another big part of it was like who else was thinking these things. If my coach was thinking all of this, the only one that had the guts to tell me, how many more people were thinking similar things.
Self love and body positivity is a journey. From this and other experiences, I have learned to ground myself in the sport and channel those thoughts of doubt and judgement into the race. Happiness does not come from acceptance, and I don’t need other people telling me that I am not a good athlete because I don’t look like one.
It was like a catapult, an explosion really. When my coach had that talk with me, it wasn’t the first time I had thought about my body negatively, but it set off all these body image issues. Appearance doesn't determine ability, and my body should not be looked down upon because of how it looks. My mental health came crashing down when I didn’t perceive myself in a positive light and believed that there was something wrong.
Dear Society, your expectations for how I should look as an athlete are unhealthy and hurt me. You want me as a female athlete to be slim, but too slim and I am not good enough. I felt as if I needed to please you, which caused me to doubt myself. I have learned that the most important thing is to go out there and show myself that I can do it, and soon others will realize that it doesn’t matter what I look like.
My journey isn’t over. As I work on my self image and loving my body, I look to the good. I think of my accomplishments. I have worked hard and pushed myself to perform my best. Two hours of swimming everyday for the past ten years, and two hours of running everyday for three months straight. If I couldn't handle it, my body would have told me.
But sometimes during my races, I will start wondering if people notice my skinnier arms and legs. In my spandex and tank, people can see all of my insecurities. I wonder if they see me and think I can’t do it or that I am struggling because of how I look.
Society, you are to blame for the toxic standards imposed on everyone, especially female athletes. Shouldn’t you be held accountable for finding a solution? Changing the way we perceive others starts today with you and me.
-Thilagabaga Arunarsasu
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